Leave the light on
Can we talk?
September is suicide prevention month.
I have a very intimate relationship with this particular topic or rather it seems to insist on having an intimate relationship with me.
It's not because I am a qualified professional in the degree sense. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a psychiatrist or any other health professional for that matter.
Nope, it has been with so much resistance, shame, fear and grief that I have experience with this word suicide and it's relentless and countless ways of showing up.
I have found it has no bias or boundary to whom it reaches. It's not afraid to grasp anyone with a beating heart.
It is not dissuaded by how aggressively the door is slammed and bolted shut whenever it gets too close.
In fact, sometimes it feels like it almost pursues more relentlessly and when it can't catch the seeked it sits down on the curb and says,
“I'll wait…
for you,
someone you love,
community member,
co worker,
perceived enemy,
the famous or a complete stranger.”
Thankfully, my little self until about the age of twelve never could have imagined or been able to process the very idea or thought of someone dying, not from the many ways in which death has a way of disguising or worse, blatantly busting down the door and taking.
No, this is from something complex, bewildering, desperate and ever changing. Something within the very person that they themselves reluctantly surrender to. Feeling cornered and so weary, death is considered to be the only friend.
With the hope it will finally relieve the burden that is resented and hidden from those who either know or don't know what they really carry.
By the time the white flag is drawn, it is torn and tattered from all the claw marks left on it. If you could peek inside you would see a battlefield of many fallen soldiers swollen and bruised. Possibly from liquid bullets, empty pill bottles or all the other vast ways the hope and copes show up.
It's definitely not the death that we originally think it is where they actually leave the building, leaving behind loved ones, friends, hopes, dreams, community, responsibilities and or their family members.
I would adamantly argue that is not the real death they are seeking, it's merely a place holder for the real death that is wanted and needed.
Who am I to even write so openly about this?
I write this
because
I know,
I've been there.
I get it, this is heavy and not something we want to talk about but we have to, because even one is too many.
I'm certainly not here to judge or tell anyone exactly how to find their way or that I have all the answers. I have learned through my own journey it isn't always as easy as it looks or sounds. I will leave that up to you and all those who are meant to be in your life.
I'm here in HOPEs of giving LOVE, SAFETY and a voice to the part that feels so beat down and tired that surrender feels inevitable or the only option.
Would you be open to an alternative idea or thought with me?
What if the surrender could be different than we are used to or thought?
What if the end we are seeking, needing and searching for is more of an end to…
pity,
shame,
stigma,
hiding.
What if it's an end to trying to do it all alone like a wounded animal, holding it all in, pretending that part is fine, no show here, keep on moving please.
The end of fighting ourselves.
I have come to believe that in the end each one of us is desperately seeking and needing to be seen, heard, felt and our sacred suffering to be held with care, regardless of how it got there or how it has been fought.
If you or a loved one
“are gone for good”,
I'm not okay with that
but I have to learn to accept it.
I love you,
I can honestly say I love you.
That love is complicated and met with pain when left behind.
To you who are still here and reading this, the world is a better place with you in it. I love you. You're not fragile or crazy. You have the strength and hope of steel. You are loved.
HOLD ON, THE LIGHT IS COMING!
And…..
“If you keep reaching out then I'll keep coming back.”
“If you leave the light on”,
(even the tiniest flicker)
“I'll leave the light on.”
“I'm finding out, there's just no other way.”
Love your fellow traveler,
Ally 🤎
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